So many of them, I don't care to count. And this feeling that can't be shaken that they won't ever happen now, because I'm just too tired.
It is to my deep frustration that all my childhood I was waiting to do things "when I get big", but then I grew old before I grew up. I may still be in my twenties, but I missed the middle part, the bit that lies between having hopes and gaining hindsight. That's the important phase. That's where you define yourself.
It seems like all my potential is lost. Perhaps it was stored in my kidneys and now it too has failed or is chronically impaired.
The goalposts have of course shifted considerably. Ambition to succeed has been overshadowed by a more basic desire to just survive and feel well again, but there is still regret for the life I thought I would have and the person I thought I would be.
Now I'm defined by a medical condition. Never more so than when in hospital when the semi-circle of junior doctors forms around my bed and I'm presented as an "end stage" or a "stage five".
I just wish I had known. If I had been given some hint that it was coming, maybe I would have spent less time messing around and more time making it count.
Those who know me will say 'nah, you really wouldn't have Reg'. They're probably right. But maybe I would have surprised everyone. Most of all myself.