Sunday, May 30, 2010

A day of reckoning approaches

Tomorrow - my study of the alignment of the stars, the tilt of the earth towards the moon and my homemade sundial tells me - will be May 31.

Which means it's almost June already and time to discard the first calendar which has marked Year One on dialysis.

It also means I have a date with a bottle of vodka and several boxes of pills in a pre-planned suicide attempt.

It was a pact I made with myself this time last year, that if I got to this point, I'd just give the sadistic bastard that is God the last laugh and quietly surrender.

This was the only means by which I could trick my brain into ceding to dialysis. I had to convince myself that such would be the brevity of my reliance on the treatment that one day I would only have a hazy recollection of the time when I was dependant on a machine to keep a heart attack or stroke at bay.

I am reminded of that song from the musical 'Rent'. How do you measure a year? They suggest markers like sunsets and miles and cups of coffee. While there have been many smiles and moments of loveliness in the past twelve months, I largely measure the year gone by in boxes and litres of fluid and hands worn from many, many three-minute hand washes.

And now there is the awful thought that this may just be the overture. The Ballad of Brendan may in fact be a full-blown opera and there isn't one fat lady in sight, unless you count Mary Harney and she's hardly going to help my case.

There will be those reading this who have been or once were on dialysis for much longer and they will regard me as a wimp and a moaner.

Two charges I accept without protest.

But luckily so, because for all my dramatic talk, it is my wimpishness that will ensure I could never carry out my threat.

So it'll be Happy Anniversary to me and Brendan. I'm looking for suggestions as to how we can mark the occasion. The official date is June 21. The longest day of the year. How very apt.


  1. Get up just before dawn and go to bed just after sunset. What you do in between is up to yourself.

  2. Holemaster - Sound advice. I'll take it on board and concentrate on finding something for that in between bit

  3. This is the saddest thing I think I've ever read-I have tears in my eyes. And I am not a teary person! As for your anniversary, I suggest you celebrate it by shopping and ice cream and maybe just a little bit of vodka!

  4. Suse - Don't be crying. They're only words! I'll try to write something upbeat next so that it all balances off. Thank you for your suggestions - I'm all for the ice cream and the vodka!

  5. I suggest Kidney Day, something akin to Brain Day which I've held intermittently on August 13th since the nice neurosurgeon cut my head open in 2002.

    Actually, I unsuggest Kidney Day for now. Maybe best to leave it until after the transplant because it does involve copious drinks.

    Glibness aside, they may only be words but they're in spectacular order, as ever.

  6. Radge - There will most definitely be a Kidney Day but we will save that for the transplant anniversary.
    I have heard your Brain Day events are legendary.
    The words and the radgery are what it's all about.