Sunday, January 8, 2012

A brighter side of me

It's strange, the different relationships I have with different people, and their varying impressions of me.

To my 'home' friends, I think I'm seen as a bit cynical, a bit hard, very logical, with unyielding views of what's black and what's white; to my college friends, I'm seen as the opposite - a bit of a girl, a little naive, a bit unhinged.

To work colleagues, I'm regarded as quiet and shy and probably a bit boring, but more fool them. I'm just not one to show my true self with people who know me by the ID card round my neck.

To the people who read my blog, I fear I may come across as depressed. Or worse still, depressing.

How terrible, and how unfair. I must, in this new year, try to balance my words and submissions better - a little light relief here and there, to show you that I may not be able to eat anything anymore, and I may some days only be fit to be laid out, but I still smile more than I frown.

Yes, I am worried that my health is starting to worsen.

And yes, I am struggling more than I was. Struggling mostly to keep bitterness at bay, and to not feel increasingly like I'm watching my friends' live life while I'm being pushed to the sidelines.

But I am happy. I still get dressed up for nights out, and I make myself and other people laugh. I plan my weekends, and take enjoyment from all the little things that cannot be taken from me by dialysis.

And I look forward to the day that will come - this year - when dialysis will be done, and a transplant will have been performed while I'm off in some unconscious land for a few hours.

Imagine that day, when the pain is gone and the kidney is settled, and I will be able to go to bed without being hooked up and smile to myself in the dark and say:

"Reg, you did it, you got through. You made it".

(To prove happiness...two dialysis girls out for Halloween. My friend Sonia and I are Big D sisters, Nicole Kidney-mans...and we have some laugh)


  1. Hmm, I don't think of you as depressed (or depressing), cynical, naive or boring.

    Interesting, intelligent, and what's so bad about being a little unhinged??

  2. Just saw the good news over at Radgery. I am so delighted for you.

  3. ditto, will be thinking of you!

  4. Friday 13th! Lucky for some ay Regina?

    I just saw the wonderful news over in Radge's. I'm so happy for you. You often crossed my mind here and there, wondering how you were getting on and how long you would have to wait.

    I'm flicking tears from my eyes. And I'm not one for that carry on.

  5. The internets are excited, waiting and thinking of you Regina. Was the best news ever this morning - in your face Friday the 13th, lucky for some. Knew it would be soon, but this is amazing. Thinking of you all day, sending good thoughts your way.

  6. Holy shit!
    Soo exciting, I'm all tingly.
    holy shit!

  7. Just read the report in the Indo - I'm so happy for you - wishing you and your shiny new kidney many happy healthy days ahead !

  8. Hi Regina,
    Aifric here if you remember me ( michaels cousin).I have been thinking of you and read your article in the paper last week. I was saying to mam its awful what you are going through and praying everything would turn around for you soon because you have been through so much these last two years. Mam came into me there a few minutes ago and said ive great news as she was after hearing on newstalk that you had your transplant last friday. We are so happy for you Regina. Now you can finally start your life again and travel to all the places you wanted to go and do all the things you have wanted to do. You have been waiting so long but its finally over :) As I said we are all so happy for you!! Tom and Bernie send their love.
    Lots of love Aifric xxx

  9. Very happy for you, looking forward to hearing from a new perspective!

  10. Hi Regina,

    I just read the great news over on Radgery.Im genuinely so happy for you.

    Wishing you all the best.