Saturday, November 5, 2011

Here I am again

Firstly, in case any of you opened this post, expecting to read glad tidings, I'm afraid the return of my words to these pages has not been prompted by a transplant.

Believe me, I wish it was.

I am back because I missed this, and because I have nowhere else to go with what is an increasingly weighty burden. After two and half years of dialysis, I have exhausted the shoulders to cry on, the sympathetic ears of friends who are leaving me behind.

That's not fair. I am letting them go on ahead.

Old news, that's what my plight is. Everywhere around me, friends are moving on and taking exciting turns into new jobs, new chapters of neatly laid-out lives, births and marriages, travels and experiences.

And I stay standing still.


  1. Rant away. It's good to have some outlet. I'm very sad for you though, that you're still waiting. Still keeping everything crossed for you.

  2. hi i looked up your blog today after listening to your doc on radio 1 last night, i hoped to see that you had gotten that life changing phone call and were on the road to recovery. i know it is easy for me to say but hang in there you have come so far the call will come and then the next chapter will begin, you are in my thoughts.

  3. shitty situation, but I'm looking forward to more of your blogging. you're very good at it.
    On a side note - there are plenty of folk stranded in ruttsville without an excuse as good as yours, shit just goes that way sometimes. 3 years aint nuthin in the long term, you'll be looking back soon enough and wondering at your short dalliance with dialysis.

  4. Susan - you may come to regret that invitation to rant that you so graciously sent my way :-)

    Niamh - Thanks for looking up Limbo, and I appreciate all positive thoughts and vibes from all sources. You're very good.

    KFS - I have already forgotten a lot of the detail from when I was diagnosed. I look forward to one day suffering complete amnesia on the topic of dialysis. Glad to be back at the blogging.

  5. Regina. I listened to a podcast of the Doc on One last night as I walked home from college.

    The thing which struck me most and had my eyes swollen with sadness was your love of sunshine and how it could be your worst enemy after a transplant.

    I just hope you find something or someone that carries that sunshine within and makes you feel as you do on a mid-summers day.

    I hope the transplant comes quickly and is successful.

  6. Ah Holemaster, you're a softie! Everyone seems to have been most saddened and surprised to hear about the sunshine issue. I forget that most people don't know such details about the transplant and post-transplant experience.

  7. Hiya,

    Fingers crosssed for ya :) Its gonna happen soon - I can feel it!


  8. Thanks Daithi, I hope you're right. Maybe karma will gift me a mega Christmas present this year and sort me out...thanks for your kind wishes

  9. Best of luck to you, I just got on the List too, hope you don't have to wait much longer!

  10. Anonymous - Congratulations! Getting on the list is a big deal...once your name is there, you have hope, and that is essential. I hope the wait is short for both of us

  11. Hi there. I've had fsgs for 20 years and am awaiting the initiation of dialysis. I have been on the transplant list here in the Chicago area for a year now, and according to local statistics, I still have 3-5 years to wait.

    You may have already visited this site, but I in case you have not, here is a link that might offer you some support and solace:

    Despite its name, it is a wonderful, supportive community with members from all over the world (mostly the English speaking world). Anyone with any "skin in the game" is invited to join. There are dialyzors, tranplantees, caregivers and renal professionals who are members. It is precisely because ESRD patients feel such isolation that this community exists and thrives. I would urge to you look at the site and see if it could help you or if you could actually help someone who is in exactly your position. I have heard your words "spoken" by so many people so many times. Please give us the opportunity to give you some comfort and friendship.

  12. Thank you, so much! Limbo! It is comforting to know there are others out there who totally understand what you are going through--sincerest best wishes to you in your journey! I hope you don't have to wait long, either, Moosemom!

  13. Moosemom - Thanks so much for your comment. I am familiar with ihatedialysis and I do drop by there from time to time to ask a question or to read the experiences of others...Americans are so much more open about everything...not like Irish patients...we suppress everything!

    Anonymous - Thank you for your best wishes...all good vibes and crossed fingers are most welcome.