Saturday, December 11, 2010

Letter to Santa

Santa Claus,
The North Pole.

Dear Santa,

I haven’t written you for many years, because somewhere between James Bond Junior and Sweet Valley High, I stopped believing.

I remember the first Christmas I didn’t write and you didn’t stop by. In my mind’s retrospective eye, that year, Christmas was toned down from the most beautiful and bright of colours to an unwelcome grey, and smothered with a feeling of being hard done by.

Since then, there have been good and bad years. I re-adjusted my expectations to the more adult setting and made do with versions of cheer, no longer in the form of the imaginings of reindeer on the roof, but in the form of nights out and good food and proper ‘Charlie & the Chocolate Factory’ on the television.

This year, I am allowing myself the indulgence of childhood hope. I want to believe in something again, and so I am starting with you. Of all the things I have believed in throughout my life – the love of my family, my own personal strength and every storyline in Home & Away – nothing ever brought me so much joy as my belief in you.

I am not expecting you to leave anything under the tree for me on Christmas Eve - you have enough little people to tend to in the world. But I am asking that sometime between now and close of business on Christmas Day, you could send me some of your magic for the year ahead.

I know you’re more in the business of making toys and that I should probably be forwarding this to my fairy godmother, but she abandoned me a while back. Between you and me, she wasn’t up to much anyway.

They say it is important to look forward and concentrate on the future, but I admit my view of the road ahead is unimpressive and pitted with what looks sadly like more of the same. I know this is because in my heart I cannot accept I am going into another new year, still on dialysis.

This letter is about hope though, and I have to hang on to some optimism that the year 2011 will bring me the healing I require, some direction in my life again and some purpose to my days, which are currently silent and empty.

Any one of those three would be wonderful – all three would count in my eyes, and possibly in the eyes of the Vatican, as a miracle.

When I was young, I used to try to out-do my brother in the number of 'pleases' I could put at the end of my letter to you. Thankfully, I now have more words in my vocabulary with which to appeal to your kind nature.

So I will say, I would be most grateful if you could consider my request and make me a believer once again.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please x one hundred million trillion, to infinity and beyond...

Regina Hennelly
Aged 28.


  1. Yeah,
    Just yeah.

    I first read this post about four hours ago and first was going to give a standard cheer up reply.
    but no.

    So yeah.
    Just yeah.

    The most exciting thing I did today was fold and put away my laundry. I want to believe in good things happening in the new year and if S. Claus can bring that, I will believe.

    By the way, you write well. I appreciate the time and care you put into expressing your thoughts and feelings about this limbo. It does help me clarify my own somewhat inchoate thoughts and feelings.

    A carol:

    All the best,

    J Harper
    Regina, SK

  2. Damn, you said infinity first.

    I still remember seeing Santa and his reindeers over the houses that backed onto mine.

  3. J Harper - Thanks for the nice comments about my writing. Meant to ask, what's the story with you and APD now? Are you still having drain pain problems? I presume they already have you on 'tidal'. I suffer with initial and last drain pain, but the in-between drains overnight are fine because I've been on tidal since the start

    Holemaster - I heard reindeer, never saw one. I'm looking into buying one though.

  4. Hi Regina,
    J Harper here
    I'm on my second round of tidal therapy now, the first one I tried for a week starting two weeks ago did not make much improvement and the second program we tried starting last week made things worse, pain was the same, but I started having low drainage alarms as well. I'm taking all my info back to the clinic tomorrow to make a nuisance of myself again. Yes, I'm one of those patients, the impatient ones.
    By the way I have been following the news about your winter storms and I read that snow fall is causing water shortages. What frustrates me is that no one ever explains why that is as everyone in Ireland understands why that is so. If you know, please tell in your usual elegant prose.

    Thank you
    J Harper
    Regina Sk

  5. Hi Regina,

    Lovely letter, straight from the heart as usual with your blog. There are a lot of people in this world who need hope right now, I saw it first hand among the dirt poor of Nicaragua over the past three months.

    I'm not really a religious person, but I guess I've become more spiritual during my year of travels in 2010. Things happen for a reason, good and bad, and I hope you can believe that your life will take its deserved turn for the better.

    Hope is very important. So is the willingness to believe in a better future. My little sis left us 21 years ago this week. She was 16. Life is not fair.

    But I hope you find what you are looking for, and what you deserve, in the coming weeks and months. Have a great New Year and leave something nice out for Santa. You never know!


  6. J Harper - Are you considering CAPD? I presume that's the logical alternative? I considered it in the beginning when I wasn't able to sleep at all on the machine. It can work well if you're good with routines (which I'm not!)
    As for the water shortages, it's something to do with a) burst water mains and b) idiots leaving their taps running in their homes all night to stop their pipes from bursting. Supplies in reservoirs go down as a result. Hence the problem.

    Ciaran - Good to hear from you. I'm not going to mention the war (the fact you're probably due back to work soon!), but I hope you're coping ok with the thought of it. I'm sure you'll bring back some air of positivity - that place could certainly do with an injection of good vibes.
    And you're right. Life is not fair and it's impossible to understand why some, like your sister, never even get to have a real shot at it. All you can do is carry on and hope for a few laughs along the way.