A brighter side of me

It's strange, the different relationships I have with different people, and their varying impressions of me.

To my 'home' friends, I think I'm seen as a bit cynical, a bit hard, very logical, with unyielding views of what's black and what's white; to my college friends, I'm seen as the opposite - a bit of a girl, a little naive, a bit unhinged.

To work colleagues, I'm regarded as quiet and shy and probably a bit boring, but more fool them. I'm just not one to show my true self with people who know me by the ID card round my neck.

To the people who read my blog, I fear I may come across as depressed. Or worse still, depressing.

How terrible, and how unfair. I must, in this new year, try to balance my words and submissions better - a little light relief here and there, to show you that I may not be able to eat anything anymore, and I may some days only be fit to be laid out, but I still smile more than I frown.

Yes, I am worried that my health is starting to worsen.

And yes, I am struggling more than I was. Struggling mostly to keep bitterness at bay, and to not feel increasingly like I'm watching my friends' live life while I'm being pushed to the sidelines.

But I am happy. I still get dressed up for nights out, and I make myself and other people laugh. I plan my weekends, and take enjoyment from all the little things that cannot be taken from me by dialysis.

And I look forward to the day that will come - this year - when dialysis will be done, and a transplant will have been performed while I'm off in some unconscious land for a few hours.

Imagine that day, when the pain is gone and the kidney is settled, and I will be able to go to bed without being hooked up and smile to myself in the dark and say:

"Reg, you did it, you got through. You made it".

(To prove happiness...two dialysis girls out for Halloween. My friend Sonia and I are Big D sisters, Nicole Kidney-mans...and we have some laugh)