Screenplay

I've had an idea.

For a vampire movie.

Seriously, I can't believe nobody has thought of it before - dialysis patients could totally cash in on this genre of film that is elevating teen hormones across the globe.

The plot is still a little sketchy, but the gist of it is:

Vampires are taking over the world - the thousands of screaming girls wearing t-shirts with the slogan 'Bite me Edward' get their wish and go the same way as Bella Swan, thus creating a pandemic that over-runs the world in a way that Swine Flu just didn't.

Authorities are on their knees. Horny adolescents everywhere are turning into blood-sucking monsters and there seems to be no way of killing them (sharpened stakes are ordered, but Amnesty International protests and the whole thing gets caught up in the courts).

Enter the dialysis patients of the world. They are called upon to stop this deadly curse. How? They are 'planted' by governments in the areas populated by the young beasts. As every Twilight fan knows, the newbie vampire is insatiable and ill-disciplined. They smell this new scent of blood and are curious.

They pounce, they can't help themselves, but just a few drops of the toxic blood is fatal to them. They die instantly and the dialysis patient moves on to the next pack to carry on his/her patriotic work. The dialysis patient becomes a little anaemic at the loss of some blood (cue scene where the bloodied, heroic patient slumps into a safe-house somewhere, knots a dirty kerchief around his/her arm and shoots up with some EPO before moving on).

The film ends with plaudits, presidential awards and every dialysis patient being granted a transplant from citizens, so grateful at not living in fear anymore that they are willing to part with an organ for the new heroes of society.

The End